Dont Fight In Front Of the Kids!

What Happens to the Children When Parents Fight?

“Don’t fight in front of the kids.”

Sounds like familiar advice that’s been passed down from generation to generation. But as it turns out, it’s not always the fighting, but rather the way you fight that can have a negative — or a positive — effect on your children.

Researchers E. Mark Cummings and Patrick Davies have studied this topic for decades. They say hearing parents argue in a positive, constructive way can actually boost a child’s development, from learning better social skills to doing better in school.

On the other hand, whether you go behind closed doors to fight or argue in front of your kids, if you do it in a mean-spirited way, you create a stressful environment that can affect their psychological development. It can also lead to behavioral problems, especially if kids are drawn into the arguments. Kids also get the wrong message when one parent tries to stop fights by giving in, especially if he or she is resentful or simply shuts down communication.

Taking a positive approach to arguments is better for kids and your relationship. Rather than having the mindset of an adversary prepared for battle, look at the situation from your partner’s point of view to understand his or her perspective. If both of you do this, it will be easier to find solutions. Whether the fight is over a transgression or a difference in opinion, resist being critical and show kindness, an important behavior to model to your children that teaches them how to handle difficult situations in their own lives.

Len Canters

 

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6 Things Kids Need to See Dad Doing

 

6 Things Kids Need to See Dad Doing

 

When you become a dad, you become a larger-than-life super-man who is the expert on everything from fixing bicycles to Jedi mind control.  Dads are pretty high up on the totem pole.  And because of that, kids see everything you do and try to mimic it.  I didn’t realize how closely my little boy watched his daddy until I found him alone in the bathroom, shaving cream smeared all over his cheeks, with a butter knife poised in his hand.  Dads have the power to really impact and shape little beings.  Here are six things that all kids, whether young or old, should see their dads doing.

 

1. Helping around the house

When dad pitches in to help share the burden of household duties, it sets a powerful example.  Stereotypical “mom chores” and “dad chores” are no longer, due to shifting gender roles.  Kids who see dad doing the dishes or cooking dinner get a valuable vision of their dad that will influence the person they become.  Children who witness dad helping around the house are more likely to follow suit and be more helpful now, and when they are older.  Future spouses will thank you for this one, promise.

 

2. Showing affection for mom

Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, says that showing affection for your spouse in front of the kids helps teach them what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

When kids see mom and dad hugging, holding hands, and kissing, they feel security and love at home.  Dads can be a huge part of that by openly showing appropriate and respectful affection for their spouses.  In turn, children who witness appropriate affection from their parents will know how to treat and be treated in future relationships.

 

3. Getting down on their level

When daddy gets home around our house, that’s when things get fun.  It’s what they crave, and one of the most common phrases I hear from my little ones’ mouths: ” Daddy, will you play with me?”

 

One of the most important things a dad can do…ever…is take time to get down on his child’s level.  Even if you’re exhausted, taking even 15 minutes to play pirates with crudely fashioned swords and yes, walking the plank, or sipping watered down Kool-aid at a tea party, equipped with fairy wings and a halo–for your child, that’s completely priceless.

 

4. Solving a problem

My four-year-old son would follow his daddy to the ends of the earth.  Whatever dad is doing, he copies–mowing the lawn, setting up a basketball hoop, solving some sort of problem.   When kids see dad solving a problem, whether it be fixing the garbage disposal, or talking through a work problem, they see the problem-solving process step-by-step.  They see their idol taking time to work through something difficult and coming to a solution.  That’s a lesson they can’t learn from an iPad.

 

5. Saying “No” and being firm about it

The term “Disneyland dad” gets thrown around a lot, mostly concerning parents who are separated.  But it can actually be applied to nuclear families as well.  A Disneyland dad indulges his children with gifts and good times and leaves the tough disciplining up to mom.  Although dads should most definitely play with their children and be the bearer of fun, parenting is also a two-way street.  A firm “no” coming from dad when the situation warrants it, yields respect and can get results quick.  Mom will thank you graciously for that.

 

6. Disciplining with love and respect

When it comes to disciplining our children, there is a very broad spectrum of beliefs.  No matter what your strategy for dealing with defiance, disobedience, and disrespect, you are the adult in the matter and therefore have the ability to control the situation. As children experience dad disciplining them with love and respect, they get the dual message that although dad does mean business, he still loves me.

 

Finally, a shout-out to all the great dads out there who are shaping little beings for the better and doing an amazing job at it!  The world will forever be a better place because of you.

 

Please Share with Family and Loved Ones

 

Health and Wellness Associates

Archived

P Carrothers

312-972-WELL

 

7 Things Kids Need to See Their Mom Doing

Seven Things Kids Need to See Their Mom Doing

 

From the moment that you hold your first perfect, wrinkly baby in your arms, the universe shifts and the title “Mom” is placed on your head like a very heavy crown.  Being a mom is a profound responsibility, not for the faint of heart.  Here are seven things that all children would benefit from seeing their mom doing.

 

1. Expressing Love

There is too much hostility in the world, too much apathy and too much neglect. A mom has the gentle power to infuse her child with love and security, all with a simple hug, kiss, or soothing words.

 

So often I hear from my 2-year-old, “Hold you?”  Usually when I’m right in the middle of something.  My “In-a-minutes” add up until I’ve completely lost the opportunity to love my child.  Chores can wait, but kids won’t.  They will grow up and move on.  No child was ever harmed by a mother who expressed too much love.

 

2. Doing What They Love

As a child, I remember perching myself up at the kitchen table, gazing star-struck at my mom who was speedily sewing me a new Easter dress.  To me, she was amazing, her abilities endless; I wanted to be just like her.

 

Becoming a mom can consume our time to the point where we stop doing the things we once loved.  Please don’t!  Playing the piano, painting, singing…the creative outlets are endless.  If you want your children to be passionate, creative little people, then they need to see you doing the things that you love to do.  Your example is powerful and you will be a star in their eyes.

 

3. Being a Cheerleader

Thankfully, this doesn’t mean squeezing into a short skirt and exposing your midriff.  But it does mean waving those metaphorical pom-poms whenever you get the chance.

 

Kids need to know that their mom is their number one fan.  At soccer games, dance recitals, spelling bees, when kids see their moms on the first row, cheering them on, they may put up that, “I’m so embarrassed” front, but inside, they are ecstatic, relieved, and assured that mom’s got their back.  And that is nice to know.

 

4. Going With Your Gut

Moms are blessed with a strong intuition when it comes to making decisions for the family.  Call it mama-bear instinct, but kids need to see mom making tough decisions based on her gut feelings, and standing by those intuitions.

 

Don’t feel right about a sleepover?  Make sure your child knows that the reason you said “No” was based on your instinct, and not your desire to be a “mean mom.”

 

 

 

5. Loving Their Bodies

Women are far more sensitive about their body image than men, and moms who are constantly degrading their figures are teaching children the misconception that bodies should be perfect.  When your son or daughter sees you scrutinizing yourself in the mirror and vocalizing negativities about your body, they will internalize that.

 

Instead, love your body for what it can do…lifting your child on the playground, wrapping your arms around them in a tight hug.  Your confidence and example can teach both sons and daughters to be comfortable in the skin they are in.

 

6. Praying for Them

Kids should know that we think about them constantly.  We worry about their safety, we hope for their success, and we yearn for their happiness.

 

It is more than okay to let children see you praying for them, to let them hear your concerns and your hopes for them.  Pouring your heart out will help them see just a glimpse of your infinite love for them.

 

7. Letting Loose

Yes, being a mom is a huge responsibility.  There is always something to clean, something to fix, some errand that needs to be run.  But sometimes we get way too caught up in the duties of motherhood that we forget to have fun in the process.  Kids desperately need to see their moms letting loose, laughing, and having some fun.  Chores can wait, but the opportunities to play dress-up or Twister are fleeting.  Grab ahold of them!  After all, dads shouldn’t be the only ones to have fun.

Please Share with Family and Loved Ones

 

Health and Wellness Associates

Archived

P Carrothers

312-972-WELL